"I will let the judge decide"

 As a Parenting Coordinator and in my work in co-parenting counseling, I work with parents who are in high conflict and have difficulty following the parenting plan post-divorce or separation. 

Divorce is traumatic for people, add parenting and co-parenting, and the stress increases. In addition, it is difficult communicating with the person you are in the process of divorce/separation. These situations have clogged the Courts, and the reason parents are referred to Parent Coordinators or for counseling, whether individual or family, is because judges do not want to make the decisions for your family. It is truly not their place, and they are referring you so that you learn the skills to help your particular child/children. 

Please do not believe that a judge is the best person to decide what is best for your children. You had these children, and they are a part of you. You may be angry with your co-parent ( the other parent), but at the end of the day, you two are the best qualified to decide and make the decision for your offspring. 

Granted, I am generalizing, and there are unique issues that may prevent a parent from deciding. Still, the ones that I am referring are divorced/separated who are angry at their former partner and, in anger, say, " I will let the judge decide."

If anger controls your communication style, your ability to co-parent, please seek help. 

Help may come as a support group for separated and divorced or individual counseling. In addition, large employers have a service called Employee Assistance Program ( EAP). You can learn more about them from your Human Resource Department. This free service connects you with counselors familiar with your particular issue.

I recommend seeking counseling/help because you will be co-parenting until your children are 18 years old and even further. So please, seek help to better communicate with your child's other parent.  

Once again, thank you for reading.  

Hello

 People that know me have probably heard me say " technology is not my friend" 

I have no idea how I am back here but I am. Yay! We must celebrate since  I have no idea when I will be back. Not that I don't want to or that I don't pay the Google fee but I can't get in sometimes. 

Well, I am here now and will rejoice. My blog entry today is not about this, by the way.

So, I do spend a lot of time in my head and have accepted my nerdiness in my "old age"

What I really was musing about this morning was, how we generally believe it's both parties' fault when a relationship breaks up. Is it, though? I have recently been researching trauma, intergenerational and historical trauma.  That got me thinking. 

Why do we select the partners we do? 

Could it be?

it's time to get married

It's time and I want babies

I need to leave my situation

I want a green card

He/She/They are cute, hot, sexy...... 

Ask anyone and they will have a reason. They may tell you or not but there was some dynamic going on. 

What we rarely know, especially if when we are young, is what trauma the person may have survived, and how it has affected them.  

We, adults, know that children experience trauma. Sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment are just some of the big Ts ( Big Traumas) and there are the little ts too- smaller traumas. 

Not everyone that experiences trauma will suffer from a psychological condition but how that trauma was dealt with influences the person. 

Sometimes you meet people who tell you their life was and is perfect. They had an ideal life, and you know what? They may have but most people don't since "perfection" does not exist. So, be aware of those that profess to be perfect. 

Historical trauma is more of cultural trauma. It's trauma from situations such as refugee experiences, segregation, and the like. 

Intergenerational trauma is when those lived experiences are not worked through psychologically and the trauma is passed on through generations. How? Well, the survivors of the trauma are psychologically affected thereby reacting. What can happen is poor parent-child bonding and various other issues that affect the child and this can move generation to generation. 

Now, when it's time to select a partner, people either want what they know, want different, or settle for what's around. 

Needless to say, each partner has a lot of baggage that we all carry. 

Something we say in trauma-informed care is - we don't ask " what is wrong with you?" we ask " what happened to you?" 

At some point in relationships, you have to make the relationship be the focus over the interests of the partners. We need need to balance and care for each other. The 50/50 may go to 100/1 for a brief time and that is ok- or any variation of that, as long as it's not there all the time. We need to focus on our growth and awareness of our history and how it affects us today. That goes to understanding our partners' as well. 

We select who we select and many times are not aware of traumas. So, is it fair to place the demise of a relationship on both partners? Let me know what you think.

This is not also in romantic relationships but in our friendships as well. We can be kind. Kind to ourselves and others. 

Let's sprinkle a little kindness in our lives this week. 

Thank you for reading. Let me know your thoughts and hope to be back soon. 

Mindful Holiday Shopping

The world is on fast forward and I figured I should write about the Holidays. I mean to include holidays where there is shopping for others. I personally only am aware of Hanukkah and Christmas, that is my knowledge base.

The season of giving where most people great debt for themselves. So what do I say?  "stop!"

Those of us raised in the United States,  are raised to believe that we must GIVE during this season.
 " It is better to give than to receive." That is all good and that goes for charity organizations. The end of year is when folks look for a tax deduction and look for charities that they want to help. Does that sound cold? That folks look for tax deductions, well it's a reality.

My focus today is really on the consumer, the average person and their outlook on the holiday.
Global warming and the environment are a controversial issue but the reality is there is a lot of plastic and a lot of waste and it gets to be too much. Again, it's controversial but let's look at storage units and how many people have things in storage, paying several thousands of dollars a year directly being deducted from an account or credit card, because we pay but we don't want to know how much. Too painful!

Every event , from kids birthday parties on up has bags of "goodies" most not that good and we take stuff out of the bag and say " what do I do with this?!" " Ugh, more crap"

We have several different type of "dollar stores " that sell things we truly don't need. Let's think of the square footage that is taking up. We don't need more stuff!

So then comes Christmas and Hanukkah. Many are socialized to believe that they have to give a gift that " says something" - meaning, the person getting it will " know they are respected, loved," fill in the blank.

So we stress ourselves, fight each other at the mall parking lot, and create general unhappiness in order to celebrate a holiday that we end up forgetting what we are celebrating.

Hint, hint:  you don't have to go broke, you can give a cute gift. You don't have to buy the car like the commercial tells you to. No need for the expensive jewelry. Instead, spend time with people. Remember these people during the year not just in December. Best advice, enjoy the season with people who's company you enjoy. You don't have to buy a bunch of " stocking stuffers" that will eventually stuff an old drawer at some one's house.

Relax, enjoy, take time off and relax as you enter 2020.

Thanks for reading. You can also find me on Facebook: Libia Casas, LCSW
and Instagram PsychLibiaLCSW.

Hello!

Hello everyone!

It's nice to be here to write. I have had this blog since 2009 and it has gone through peaks and valleys.  Paying Google to have the name and then having issues with payment and Google is not easy to assess. Sometimes we want to talk to a person! Not just emails - one time having been speaking to people that wanted payment in "gift cards" - Like No!

So here I am for now. But I digress

It's the end of the year. Sure it's only November 18th but people are decorating for Christmas- someone made a left turn in front of me and they were carrying a Christmas tree on top of their car two days ago!

Yes, we have Thanksgiving to celebrate. This holiday is becoming as divided as this country! The connection between the holiday, colonialism , birthrights and citizenship. Religious people discuss the "thanksgiving " part of it. Members of "interesting families" cope with the fact they will have to see Aunt/Uncle XXX, Tio/TiaXXXX and possibly defend anything from their right to be single, gay, childless, Democrat or Republican.

Let's set boundaries for the holiday. Rules!
Yes, sounds dry and not very lovely with  music in the background but if any of the above affects you, I say you discuss rules and boundaries prior to meeting up with the family.
What is it? "An ounce of prevention...….."
Whatever it is , you may want to plan accordingly for the holiday. Not just what you are eating but what topics are permissible and which are not.

For those with major changes, try to inject a new tradition in the holiday. Focus on enjoying the moment. Those toxic relatives, you are not going to change them, try "ignoring" for one day. Not advocating here for "codependency" but all battles are not worth fighting. Do it for yourself.
Have a great Thanksgiving and thank you for reading.
You can also follow me on Facebook at Libia Casas, LCSW and on Instagram at Psychlibialcsw.

Toxicity in Positiveness

Have you ever heard someone say, " she's  nice and all but she has so much drama"  " oh, she's got so much drama"  " I am staying away, she's got too much going on" " oh, I can only be around happy people, not people with drama"

Have we possibly abandoned our friends and family when they most need it? In times of drama and stress.

Listen when you are out and people are talking. No one wants to deal with the ugly in life but the  ugly in life is going to happen, we can't stop it.
In  the age of YOLO ( you only live once)  FOMO ( fear of missing out) and a quest for beauty and permanent youth, we may have never grown out of adolescence. We don't want to be old, we don't want to be near the old ( be it people , cars or homes) and we discard the old to bring in the new.

We seem to be blindly running away from what we think is sad and just doesn't suite us. People leave their long term marriages , men usually want to trade their partners for a younger model and " do over".  In  their 50s men feel they can start over as if they were 30. This is slightly different for women since there is an end to childbearing, however, there is the knife and surgery can help them make changes.

So every action has a consequence. We have and continue to create a world where we are not just hurting the environment with the garbage we produce but we are creating societal garbage. We have taken our souls and just threw them out. We don't empathize or even sympathize. We say " oooh, that is too sad, best not get involved"

We need to get out the mindset that we "must remain positive" "we must avoid drama". While I don't recommend we go find toxic people for hang outs, I do think we need to get out of ourselves and reach out to help others. In the circle of life, I help you, you help him, he helps another and we all play a role in making this life a more meaning healthy place to be.
Peace.

A lesson from the Cohen , Trump situation.

This is not political. That being said let's explore what can be learned from this situation that our children are exposed to on a regular basis. By the way, don't think they don't know. I have had children tell me their thoughts about what they have some how become aware of with out any prompting.

So as I write this, the question plastered in the media today is, " who do you believe?"
That reminds me of the story of the boy that cried wolf. He lied and lied and one day he told the truth and no one believed him. This situation is a teachable moment for parents to work with their kids on the consequences of lying.

You don't have to get political. You can discuss how here is someone speaking and because he has lied in the past, others are having a very difficult time believing him and he may just be telling the truth but no one is comfortable believing him.

Children learn from example, and that example is, parents, teachers and all adults they are exposed to. Obviously parents need to work on being truthful but also talk through experiences where others, especially other adults, are not being honest. Children are like sponges and yes, the community including extended family and media play a role. Plan on talking to your kids this weekend.

So I think I am back.

Technology is not my friend! I keep saying that. I think I am back up. Ugh.
Hoping this works. It's a change from the last name- long story with Google and the " gift card" for payment. Like no, that sounds like a scam. So in the process I was lost for over a year! I was not paying Google with a gift card.
Will be back soon!