As we get ready for another year, many people start verbalizing plans for change and new year resolutions. Many have great expectations of changes that will come in the new year. January 1st is the beginning and by perhaps the middle of the month there is disappointment.
Well, it is wonderful to have great expectations,ideas and plans for the new year.
What we have to remember is that change, although possible , is very difficult. We need to have short and long term plans and be forgiving of ourselves when our progress is slow or we fall short of what we expected.
Tell others of your plans and surround yourself with support. Allow yourself setbacks and start back even if at first you feel you have failed.
It can be done. You may even want to start making small preparations before January 1st. Be a little flexible with your deadlines.
Depending on your goal, you may want to have visuals such as pictures or charts to provide you an idea or actual visual of your progress or where it is you need more help.
Have faith in yourself and you can succeed.
To a great new decade and year!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
who hurts in an affair
As we all watch the Tiger Woods affair situation, it is important to remember that there is pain being felt by all parties. In the aftermath of the disclosure of any marital affair, it is not only the spouse/victim that hurts deeply but also the inlaws, children and even friends. No one is an island, when someone makes a unilateral decision to cheat, have any emotional and/or physical relationship with another person, they are momentarily satisfying a need at the expense of the the spouse, children, friends and inlaws.
All affairs are different and it is not about the sex. Some adulterers blame the spouse for their affair. They can not accept that they have done wrong so they look for a way to justify their bad behavior.
In the affair, the cheater, makes a conscious decision to go outside the marriage. They make a decision to lie, hide and behave poorly.
If the marriage is not working, look for counseling, legal counsel,look for help; jumping into bed or online with another person, is not the answer.
All affairs are different and it is not about the sex. Some adulterers blame the spouse for their affair. They can not accept that they have done wrong so they look for a way to justify their bad behavior.
In the affair, the cheater, makes a conscious decision to go outside the marriage. They make a decision to lie, hide and behave poorly.
If the marriage is not working, look for counseling, legal counsel,look for help; jumping into bed or online with another person, is not the answer.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Happy Holidays
Well, we are in the thick, sort of speak, of the holiday season. Thanksgiving has passed and now we are getting ready for the holidays. We have Hanukkah and Christmas to look forward. With them come, get together with friends, family, co-workers and a time of joy and giving.
It is time to focus on our blessings and enjoy those who are around us and provide us joy through out the year.
It is a difficult time for many since they recall memories of those friends and family that have passed. Many people also feel melancholy but can't identify why. Many tell me" this is the saddest time of the year for me"
While this time may bring sadness, I believe that accepting this yet re framing the thought or changing it around is the key. We make choices in life, sometimes that includes a choice to make ourselves less unhappy and look and work at some sense of happiness. Practice makes perfect, let's practice making ourselves happier. Let's smile more, look at the glass as half full.
I know, it is not easy. But, the good things in life have never been! Every morning, meditate or pray. Envision yourself being happy and experiencing a happy holiday related activity daily.
It is time to focus on our blessings and enjoy those who are around us and provide us joy through out the year.
It is a difficult time for many since they recall memories of those friends and family that have passed. Many people also feel melancholy but can't identify why. Many tell me" this is the saddest time of the year for me"
While this time may bring sadness, I believe that accepting this yet re framing the thought or changing it around is the key. We make choices in life, sometimes that includes a choice to make ourselves less unhappy and look and work at some sense of happiness. Practice makes perfect, let's practice making ourselves happier. Let's smile more, look at the glass as half full.
I know, it is not easy. But, the good things in life have never been! Every morning, meditate or pray. Envision yourself being happy and experiencing a happy holiday related activity daily.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Rebound Relationships
Dating after a breakup is a tricky thing. When is the right time? I tell my clients to use caution. While it is important to socialize and interact with others, it is important to understand that when you have had a long term relationship or marriage, there is a bond or joining of souls, if you will, that has been broken. After a break up you are vulnerable, and it is very easy to fill the void with another person, who will turn out to be the wrong person. Not that the person is a bad person, but most probably not the right match. It is normal to want to get back the attention and "love" that was lost; be careful.
The person "abandoning" the relationship may have already met another person who was used to fill that person's void and strengthen the person's will to leave and abandon their partner. The "dumped" person many times comes to counseling grieving the loss,abandonment and envying the "dumper's" relationship. There is nothing to envy there. That relationship many times is weak, based on lies and infidelity. There may be a marriage but not a healthy one. For the "dumper", when that "second" relationship ends, that person will grieve both relationships. The "dumpee" has grieved once. So there is nothing to envy. Once the "dumpee" finds a new partner, they are in a much better place emotionally and spiritually. After separation and divorce, focus on yourself and get to know yourself again. Reconnect with friends. If you date, understand that this person can be a friend and reframe from focusing on relationship. It is OK to date many people. Dating does not mean becoming sexually involved. Focus on self and self growth with a healthy network of friends.
The person "abandoning" the relationship may have already met another person who was used to fill that person's void and strengthen the person's will to leave and abandon their partner. The "dumped" person many times comes to counseling grieving the loss,abandonment and envying the "dumper's" relationship. There is nothing to envy there. That relationship many times is weak, based on lies and infidelity. There may be a marriage but not a healthy one. For the "dumper", when that "second" relationship ends, that person will grieve both relationships. The "dumpee" has grieved once. So there is nothing to envy. Once the "dumpee" finds a new partner, they are in a much better place emotionally and spiritually. After separation and divorce, focus on yourself and get to know yourself again. Reconnect with friends. If you date, understand that this person can be a friend and reframe from focusing on relationship. It is OK to date many people. Dating does not mean becoming sexually involved. Focus on self and self growth with a healthy network of friends.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
School time!
It's that time of the year; back to school. Five year olds starting school for the first time. Older "children" starting Middle and Senior High and oh, the anxiety of the parents sending off the "young adults" to college. A time of transition for many.
To the parents I say, you have hopefully taught your kids manners, and self respect at whatever age they are and can allow yourself to let them experience and learn for themselves. For many parents there is a change. No child home during the day, or living in the home. This should not be viewed as a negative. It can also be a time for the child's primary caretaker to return to school, work, or community service. It can be time to start a home business in the spare room. Time to rekindle romance instead of having an empty nest.
Whatever age, parents need to give kids the "space" to grow. New friends in Kindergarten, space for the young adult to mature.
It is funny now, in a time of cell phones how some parents feel a need to call the "child" through out the day. How did previous generations cope?
It will be a time of change and transition for many and these are to be framed in positive ways. Growth and even that little tinge of pain is good. It is growth. It will be a benefit in the long run.
Parents talk to your kids about personal responsibility, it should have started a while ago. Have the conversation again ,trust your kids, and that you have done your job. Enjoy Life!
To the parents I say, you have hopefully taught your kids manners, and self respect at whatever age they are and can allow yourself to let them experience and learn for themselves. For many parents there is a change. No child home during the day, or living in the home. This should not be viewed as a negative. It can also be a time for the child's primary caretaker to return to school, work, or community service. It can be time to start a home business in the spare room. Time to rekindle romance instead of having an empty nest.
Whatever age, parents need to give kids the "space" to grow. New friends in Kindergarten, space for the young adult to mature.
It is funny now, in a time of cell phones how some parents feel a need to call the "child" through out the day. How did previous generations cope?
It will be a time of change and transition for many and these are to be framed in positive ways. Growth and even that little tinge of pain is good. It is growth. It will be a benefit in the long run.
Parents talk to your kids about personal responsibility, it should have started a while ago. Have the conversation again ,trust your kids, and that you have done your job. Enjoy Life!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The "midlife crisis"
Now, when you see the term "midlife crisis" what comes to mind? Is it a valid term? Is it an American phenomenon? What is it?
Most probably you think it is something that happens to men. They lose weight, start dressing hipper, get the sports car and think they are just so cool!
There is no mental health diagnosis for this although maybe the collaborators of the DSM (bible of diagnosis for mental health providers) need to look at this.
The phenomenon happens between the ages of 30 something and late 50s. It is mostly men although I have had male clients who describe the same happening to their wives. Is it hormonal/physical? Sometimes an illness or physical sexual issues/problems preceded this. Some individuals , once a history is taken come from a dysfunctional family of origin. Maybe there was alcoholism or parental infidelity. Not everyone has a midlife crisis but when someone has one it is disruptive not only to the person but to the spouse, children and extended family. As a mental health provider, I can most accurately describe the behavior as "psychotic" or a loss of contact from reality. Many "victims" and I mean the person married/involved with the person having the midlife crisis, come to treatment. Usually the "midlifer" has projected their own negative emotions to the "victim". The midlifer communicates to the victim that they are at fault. "If only you ______________" You can fill in the blank.
If only you were home more, cooked more, cooked less. Folks, doesn't matter what you did, it was wrong. Again,not totally male phenomenon but mostly,there are women out there having the "midlife crisis". If your partner is going though this, don't isolate yourself. Talk to your friends, therapist and trust me, it is not your fault.
Most probably you think it is something that happens to men. They lose weight, start dressing hipper, get the sports car and think they are just so cool!
There is no mental health diagnosis for this although maybe the collaborators of the DSM (bible of diagnosis for mental health providers) need to look at this.
The phenomenon happens between the ages of 30 something and late 50s. It is mostly men although I have had male clients who describe the same happening to their wives. Is it hormonal/physical? Sometimes an illness or physical sexual issues/problems preceded this. Some individuals , once a history is taken come from a dysfunctional family of origin. Maybe there was alcoholism or parental infidelity. Not everyone has a midlife crisis but when someone has one it is disruptive not only to the person but to the spouse, children and extended family. As a mental health provider, I can most accurately describe the behavior as "psychotic" or a loss of contact from reality. Many "victims" and I mean the person married/involved with the person having the midlife crisis, come to treatment. Usually the "midlifer" has projected their own negative emotions to the "victim". The midlifer communicates to the victim that they are at fault. "If only you ______________" You can fill in the blank.
If only you were home more, cooked more, cooked less. Folks, doesn't matter what you did, it was wrong. Again,not totally male phenomenon but mostly,there are women out there having the "midlife crisis". If your partner is going though this, don't isolate yourself. Talk to your friends, therapist and trust me, it is not your fault.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Affairs
AFFAIRS. Infidelity. Are they the demise of a marriage?
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy 4th of July
The meaning of the holiday is Independence. I am dedicating this day to all my clients who are working through the pain of divorce and abandonment. It is a day to celebrate Independence and it is an opportunity to explore their current and future life "independently"
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.
If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Father's Day
This weekend we will be celebrating Father's Day. It's a little more low key than Mother's Day, but I feel just as important. Father's role in the family has changed in the last fifty years , with fathers more involved in the care of children. As a therapist working with high conflict divorce, I have worked with many fathers who want to maintain a relationship with their children yet circumstances prevent it. I have seen mothers, with the help from some attorneys, attempt to prevent these relationships.
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Fathers are very important in the life of all children. There are some fathers not interested in participating in the life of their children, but for those who are interested it is important that they are allowed. When couples separate and divorce, they divorce each other not the children.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY................................
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Money
What a loaded topic! We all need it, some people base their self worth on it and others lose their self worth for it.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
Many marital arguments are due to money or sex or sometimes both.
It is interesting to see how people deal with money. You have the savers that sacrifice themselves in order to have it, you have the spenders that can make multiple figures and yet have no money. As a therapist who works with divorced parents it's amazing to see how each parent can nickel and dime the other over what was spent on the kids. Child support is also a conflict since every father believes the mother is taking the money for nails, hair and men; the few mothers that pay child support feel that the father has the kids for the money he gets.
In a relationship, I find that money is symbolic of the health of the relationship. I have found that healthy couples have goals for their future and create a nest. Their money is for home/shelter, time together and meeting mutual goals. I see people hiding money, asserting their place in the home based on money and all that does is slowly destroy the relationship. In any relationship there is going to be one that makes more than the other. Perhaps through the life time of the relationship or at any given time. In a healthy relationship, the larger earner should not boast about this. There should be a sense of equality. Making more or less in a relationship does not determine your "rank" in the marriage or relationship. If there is love, the partners are equal.
Perhaps when we stop determining people's worth by how much money they make and instead value people for their character and behavior we shall all be a little happier and healthier.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Marital Separation
One frequently asked question from couples coming in for counseling is: Libia, should we separate?
Well, it all depends on what is happening in the relationship. If a couple is having issues,disagreements I would say work the issues out in counseling while living together.I ask them what the purpose of the separation is?What are their individual thoughts and plans. What do they want for their marriage? Separation is going to bring distance in the relationship that may aggravate the situation. Marital separation is recommended where there is the potential for abuse and/or violence. If that is happening any professional is going to tell you to separate and one of the parties needs to find a place to stay. I would also recommend finding legal advice since there is the question of whether that person "abandoned" the home. Although my understanding is ( and I am not an attorney, and not qualified to say) but leaving the home( in Florida at least) does not mean you lose rights.
If you are in an abusive and or potentially violent situation get out. If you don't have a place to go, call the Police and they can take you to a shelter.
So, do you separate? If you want to seriously work on the relationship? No. Unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation then get out and get help! The only other reason would be if you are planning to split up or divorce.
Well, it all depends on what is happening in the relationship. If a couple is having issues,disagreements I would say work the issues out in counseling while living together.I ask them what the purpose of the separation is?What are their individual thoughts and plans. What do they want for their marriage? Separation is going to bring distance in the relationship that may aggravate the situation. Marital separation is recommended where there is the potential for abuse and/or violence. If that is happening any professional is going to tell you to separate and one of the parties needs to find a place to stay. I would also recommend finding legal advice since there is the question of whether that person "abandoned" the home. Although my understanding is ( and I am not an attorney, and not qualified to say) but leaving the home( in Florida at least) does not mean you lose rights.
If you are in an abusive and or potentially violent situation get out. If you don't have a place to go, call the Police and they can take you to a shelter.
So, do you separate? If you want to seriously work on the relationship? No. Unless you are in a potentially dangerous situation then get out and get help! The only other reason would be if you are planning to split up or divorce.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Child Abuse
It's a topic I choose to write about today, as I was just on a panel discussion on a local radio station on the subject.
What is it? I will start by saying that I will divide it into three types:
negligence, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Negligence can be emotional, physical or medical. This is when the child's emotional needs are not met, or when they are not fed, clothed or housed appropriately. Dirty clothes, hunger or inadequate housing, when it is clear that there are no financial issues, is neglience. In fact, abuse and neglect are not related to social economic status. It happens in the best of neighborhoods as well as in the worst of neighborhoods. Not giving appropriate boudaries to children can also be neglect. Parents are responsible for their children until the age of 18. Not following medical advice can also be abuse.Professionals see most of these cases when parents are divorced or seperated and there is a battle where one parent chooses to not medicate the child because they feel that the child does not "need" the medication.
Sexual abuse is the sexualization of the child. Not just touching, or penetration but also exposure to sexual information such as pornography. Obviously, sexual educational material when used appropriately is not considered abuse.
Physical abuse perhaps is the most obvious. There will be broken bones, bruises etc.
A question many parents have is; is spanking abuse? Ask a therapist and we say, let's try giving consequences and redirecting behavior. Others may believe it is OK. At least in Florida, it is OK.
Leaving marks, such as bruises and broken bones and the like, is abuse.
As the ecomony becomes more challenging and stress levels in families increases, I recommend that parents work on stress management; exercise, attend religious services, visit with supportive family and friends.
When that is not enough, please see a mental health professional.
What is it? I will start by saying that I will divide it into three types:
negligence, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Negligence can be emotional, physical or medical. This is when the child's emotional needs are not met, or when they are not fed, clothed or housed appropriately. Dirty clothes, hunger or inadequate housing, when it is clear that there are no financial issues, is neglience. In fact, abuse and neglect are not related to social economic status. It happens in the best of neighborhoods as well as in the worst of neighborhoods. Not giving appropriate boudaries to children can also be neglect. Parents are responsible for their children until the age of 18. Not following medical advice can also be abuse.Professionals see most of these cases when parents are divorced or seperated and there is a battle where one parent chooses to not medicate the child because they feel that the child does not "need" the medication.
Sexual abuse is the sexualization of the child. Not just touching, or penetration but also exposure to sexual information such as pornography. Obviously, sexual educational material when used appropriately is not considered abuse.
Physical abuse perhaps is the most obvious. There will be broken bones, bruises etc.
A question many parents have is; is spanking abuse? Ask a therapist and we say, let's try giving consequences and redirecting behavior. Others may believe it is OK. At least in Florida, it is OK.
Leaving marks, such as bruises and broken bones and the like, is abuse.
As the ecomony becomes more challenging and stress levels in families increases, I recommend that parents work on stress management; exercise, attend religious services, visit with supportive family and friends.
When that is not enough, please see a mental health professional.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Happy Memorial Day
Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer. This weekend, families will be driving all across this great country going on weekend getaways, family reunions, the beach and let's not forget the mall, for those great "Memorial Day sales. " As we look forward to summer sun, fun and bargains let's take a little time to "remember" what we are celebrating. It is called Memorial Day because we are remembering and honoring all the men and women who have sacrificed so that we can live in a great country.
Enjoy.........................
Enjoy.........................
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Friends
How important are friends? Very!
While important to clarify, friends are very important. Good, supportive friends. Friends are not what dysfunctional folks refer to when they go out without their spouse, to cheat or escape family responsibilities.
Friends are folks that share similiar interests, support you emotionally, like you and support your lifestyle which would include your spouse or significant other.
You may know these people from a community group, Church, Synagogue, or work. Having folks you can share, talk, and laugh with enhances the quality of your life and even your intimate relationships. Regular outings with your friends is totally acceptable even for married folks. The problem is the group that use this opportunity to cheat and act in inappropriate ways. These folks give the concept a bad image and ruin it for many. There needs to be trust in a relationship and those out with their friends should be behaving appropriately not abusing the trust. Going out with friends is done in addition to going out with your spouse or significant other and your responsibilities to your family is priority.
These experiences, enhance our lives and make us more interesting, happy people.
While important to clarify, friends are very important. Good, supportive friends. Friends are not what dysfunctional folks refer to when they go out without their spouse, to cheat or escape family responsibilities.
Friends are folks that share similiar interests, support you emotionally, like you and support your lifestyle which would include your spouse or significant other.
You may know these people from a community group, Church, Synagogue, or work. Having folks you can share, talk, and laugh with enhances the quality of your life and even your intimate relationships. Regular outings with your friends is totally acceptable even for married folks. The problem is the group that use this opportunity to cheat and act in inappropriate ways. These folks give the concept a bad image and ruin it for many. There needs to be trust in a relationship and those out with their friends should be behaving appropriately not abusing the trust. Going out with friends is done in addition to going out with your spouse or significant other and your responsibilities to your family is priority.
These experiences, enhance our lives and make us more interesting, happy people.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
5-10-09
It's an interesting thing to see people's reaction to this day. I find my spinning instructor's comment to be inspirational. He wished everyone in class a "Happy Mother's Day" He said that even women that do not have children have "mothered" some children. For the most part, that is very true. Woman as teachers, therapists, child care workers, and in various roles have "mothered" and nurtured children. If only we can focus on the positives , such as nurturing and mothering today and not focus on loss. I have met individuals who "detest" the day and will say so weeks before the actual holiday. Their mother is either deceased or they had a dysfunctional family and relationship with their mother. For those people, that is truly unfortunate however, perhaps you can focus on a teacher, aunt, grandmother or any other special woman in your life. I find that we have to make a choice to make ourselves "happy" and functional. Look for the positive, not the negative and in the process not hurt or blame others.
It's an interesting thing to see people's reaction to this day. I find my spinning instructor's comment to be inspirational. He wished everyone in class a "Happy Mother's Day" He said that even women that do not have children have "mothered" some children. For the most part, that is very true. Woman as teachers, therapists, child care workers, and in various roles have "mothered" and nurtured children. If only we can focus on the positives , such as nurturing and mothering today and not focus on loss. I have met individuals who "detest" the day and will say so weeks before the actual holiday. Their mother is either deceased or they had a dysfunctional family and relationship with their mother. For those people, that is truly unfortunate however, perhaps you can focus on a teacher, aunt, grandmother or any other special woman in your life. I find that we have to make a choice to make ourselves "happy" and functional. Look for the positive, not the negative and in the process not hurt or blame others.
Friday, May 8, 2009
In the Beginning
May 8, 2009
On Monday, May 11th, I will be celebrating 19 years of having graduated with my Master's of Social Work and becoming a psychotherapist. In 1986 is when I officially entered the field of mental health. I am trying very hard to not feel old.
In celebration of all these years in the field, I have decided to start a blog with the hope that I can address issues affecting others in the world of cyberspace.
I am by no means computer literate or an internet junkie, yet! But I hope to reach others that for whatever reason do not go to a therapist's office. I wrote a column for a local community newspaper many years ago and found that to be a lot of fun. Well, here I go again.
It is Friday evening and I hope everyone makes it a good weekend. Make plans for some activities, get out and do! I will be running a 5K, getting back into running since my last half marathon in January 2009. I have attended to other issues and have slacked on running. I am being kind to myself and not doing the 10K. Hobbies and especially exercise are very important. Any aerobic exercise gets more oxygen to your brain and helps with concentration while also releasing those good ole endorphins. So go do something this weekend even if you have to push yourself. You will feel better after.
On Monday, May 11th, I will be celebrating 19 years of having graduated with my Master's of Social Work and becoming a psychotherapist. In 1986 is when I officially entered the field of mental health. I am trying very hard to not feel old.
In celebration of all these years in the field, I have decided to start a blog with the hope that I can address issues affecting others in the world of cyberspace.
I am by no means computer literate or an internet junkie, yet! But I hope to reach others that for whatever reason do not go to a therapist's office. I wrote a column for a local community newspaper many years ago and found that to be a lot of fun. Well, here I go again.
It is Friday evening and I hope everyone makes it a good weekend. Make plans for some activities, get out and do! I will be running a 5K, getting back into running since my last half marathon in January 2009. I have attended to other issues and have slacked on running. I am being kind to myself and not doing the 10K. Hobbies and especially exercise are very important. Any aerobic exercise gets more oxygen to your brain and helps with concentration while also releasing those good ole endorphins. So go do something this weekend even if you have to push yourself. You will feel better after.
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