Affairs

AFFAIRS. Infidelity. Are they the demise of a marriage?
Not necessarily. All affairs are not the same and don't have the same significance or meaning. Upon learning about an affair the first step should be seeking help. Whether from a priest, rabbi or therapist it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go with an open mind and heart, and that the person you go to is experienced in dealing with these matters.
I had the pleasure several years ago to attend a conference held by Ms. Emily M. Brown, MSW who wrote the book Patterns of Infidelity and their treatment.
She describes five different types of affairs: Conflict Avoidance, Intimacy Avoidance, Sexual Addiction, Empty Nest and Out the Door. To quickly review each:
Conflict Avoidance: men or women in their 20s or 30s, tend to avoid conflict, the affair is brief with minimal emotional involvement. This one has a low probablty of divore with worse outcome being other affairs or divorce.
Intimacy Avoidance: Male or female in 20-30s, tend to avoid intimacy, brief affair, low probablity of divorce, with worst outcome being other affiars or divorce,
Sexual Addiction: male,any age, brief affair, low probality of divorce, worse case scenario may be a damaged family and public humiliation.
Empty Nest: males ages 40 and up. The man is conflicted between family and shoulds vs wants. There is a higher probabiility of divorce, worst outcome an empty shell marriage. Then the last, is Out the door affair. Characterized as a way to avoid facing ending of the marriage. The affair lasts 6 months to 2 years. With a very high probabilty of divorce. Worst case scenario: unresolved loss.
Her presentation gives us a look at just how varied affairs are and how each has a diiferent meaning. They are not the definite end of a marriage but definitely the marriage will never be the same. An affair is said to either make a marriage stronger or break it. It is not advisable to have an affair to make a change or statement in the marriage. Seek elders, clergy, professional counselors if you are feeling a strain in your relationship. Remember that all behaviors have consequences. A married couple is not an island, there are children, friends,and relatives who also feel the pain of infidelity.

Happy 4th of July

The meaning of the holiday is Independence. I am dedicating this day to all my clients who are working through the pain of divorce and abandonment. It is a day to celebrate Independence and it is an opportunity to explore their current and future life "independently"
I refer to divorce as an "earthquake" in your life. For whatever time you have been married you built a foundation. For some it may be a weak foundation but it's like a concrete foundation regardless of how weak it may be. Then, one day, an "earthquake" happens and with out apparent warning, the foundation crumbles. There is chaos that follows and then there is a rebuilding.
In chaos, it is important that the person not isolate him/herself. Friends, a place of worship and hobbies/activities are very important. It is important to take care of the self, both physically and emotionally. Be careful to not participate in behaviors that will harm you. Some people become active in activities that will in fact harm them. If the feelings are overwhelming seek counseling.

If you are lonely this holiday, seek others. Get out of the house, find firework displays. Do something, take time to appreciate the great country we are so lucky to live in.