In today's world, these two words can cause a heated debate. These two simple words have become charged by a movement that perhaps need not be political. But this is not about that.
" Choose Life" I saw that on a license plate the other day and couldn't help but see that there is so much more to this than the political movement. Let's read it again, Choose Life.
I believe when we choose life, we choose to live. Choose to be whole, be positive, share with others and work on maintaining peace in our souls.
Happiness and contentment, as is love are all choices. We choose to love others and we choose to be happy and content. What is the secret to happiness? I have a deal for you, I can let you on the secret, right here, for free. No need to buy the the several books out there. Count your blessings and be aware and happy for what you have.
Of course, life is full of hills and valleys. But, you have blessings, you have strengths. It is not about what your neighbor has or what you think you "should have" it's what you have.
An exercise that some people do, is keep a blessings journal. For those not used to seeing life this way, it may take a while to reframe your thinking, but it is possible.
Take time this Thanksgiving and look at the blessings, the positives in your life.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Me too!
Well, sometimes a therapist has to share her story and this is it. I have worked with the issue of divorce throughout my career and have even worked with high conflict divorce helping parents co parent, and helping children cope with divorce. This year I have traveled down the path that many of my past, current and future clients have or will travel.
Because of the myriad of emotions and experiences I have had, I now have another level of enlightenment and empathy to essentially make me a better therapist.
I now have the book knowledge, the clinical and personal experience. I feel it is important to share because no person is an island. It can happen to anyone and we should all support each other. People experiencing divorce are not lepers, but people living through something that no one plans for. while I was on my journey, there were wonderful people out there who shared their stories. From each story, you learn something and you connect to another person. If you are experiencing separation or divorce, reach out, do not be ashamed. If the feelings are too overpowering seek professional help, but also talk to family, friends and find a support group. Some churches even have free support groups which are led by people who have "walked the walk" Reach out.
Because of the myriad of emotions and experiences I have had, I now have another level of enlightenment and empathy to essentially make me a better therapist.
I now have the book knowledge, the clinical and personal experience. I feel it is important to share because no person is an island. It can happen to anyone and we should all support each other. People experiencing divorce are not lepers, but people living through something that no one plans for. while I was on my journey, there were wonderful people out there who shared their stories. From each story, you learn something and you connect to another person. If you are experiencing separation or divorce, reach out, do not be ashamed. If the feelings are too overpowering seek professional help, but also talk to family, friends and find a support group. Some churches even have free support groups which are led by people who have "walked the walk" Reach out.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Experience
Well, I have been writing this blog for a year now. I celebrate 20 years of having graduated with my master's degree and beginning my official career as a psychotherapist today. I have been in the mental field since 1986.
I think this is one of the few professions where it is actually OK to be older. Well, sometimes.
Age is not experience. One can not assume that because the psychotherapist looks "seasoned" that she/he is qualified or experienced. Many individuals turn to counseling as second career while for many it is their first career.
When making an appointment, ask about experience and licensure. There is also the belief that relationship and your ability to "connect" with the therapist is what is most important and in fact more important than whether they have a doctorate or master degree.
In the age of managed care,many feel that they do not have choices of whom they want to choose for counseling but most larger insurance carriers should have an extended list of therapists near you. Get a list and call. By calling several you can get a feel for the therapist. Many, as I do, answer their own phones and use voicemail. This gives me the opportunity of speaking with the caller before making an appointment and there, at that initial contact, begins the therapeutic relationship.
I think this is one of the few professions where it is actually OK to be older. Well, sometimes.
Age is not experience. One can not assume that because the psychotherapist looks "seasoned" that she/he is qualified or experienced. Many individuals turn to counseling as second career while for many it is their first career.
When making an appointment, ask about experience and licensure. There is also the belief that relationship and your ability to "connect" with the therapist is what is most important and in fact more important than whether they have a doctorate or master degree.
In the age of managed care,many feel that they do not have choices of whom they want to choose for counseling but most larger insurance carriers should have an extended list of therapists near you. Get a list and call. By calling several you can get a feel for the therapist. Many, as I do, answer their own phones and use voicemail. This gives me the opportunity of speaking with the caller before making an appointment and there, at that initial contact, begins the therapeutic relationship.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
" I wish my mom/dad didn't have so many boy/girlfriends"
If you are dating and have always wondered what your kids think about you bringing dates, lovers and multiple boy/girlfriends home,that may be what they are thinking. Many times children have expressed to me that they wish their parents would date less. Now, this does not mean that the children control or should control their parents. I will say though that they do not need to know what their parents' sex, dating or "whatever" life is. What happens is that children become attached to the new "friend" brought in to their lives and then one day they are gone forever. This is another loss. I recommend that parents live their life, while of course being responsible in their parenting, and once they have met the person they feel "is it" and is going to be a constant figure, then, and only then, do they introduce them to the children. As we all know, even then, there are no guarantees but the child has been shielded from many new people they could have bonded and then lost.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Is there life after divorce?
Divorce is a major life stressor and chaotic especially for the person not initiating the divorce. I say this because the person initiating the divorce has come to the decision after months and even years of thought and preparation. The person not initiating this is many times surprised. There are many levels of awareness as there are people and marriages. By initiating the divorce I do not mean legally, I mean the emotional breakup. Many times the person legally filing is not the one initiating the divorce.
Jim Smoke, author of GROWING THROUGH DIVORCE could not have said it better in his book. He answers the question of life life after divorce as " unless you die right now reading this" He goes on to say that yes, there is life after divorce.
That can not be more accurate. As humans we, many times, do not see the forest for the trees. You can't just focus on the tree right in front of you. You have to look around and be aware that there is not just one tree but a forest. Get out of the little black box you initially put yourself in and explore who you are, where you are, and where you want to be. There is a great big world out there. If you remain open to it's wonder you will not only grow but may very well be happy.
Jim Smoke, author of GROWING THROUGH DIVORCE could not have said it better in his book. He answers the question of life life after divorce as " unless you die right now reading this" He goes on to say that yes, there is life after divorce.
That can not be more accurate. As humans we, many times, do not see the forest for the trees. You can't just focus on the tree right in front of you. You have to look around and be aware that there is not just one tree but a forest. Get out of the little black box you initially put yourself in and explore who you are, where you are, and where you want to be. There is a great big world out there. If you remain open to it's wonder you will not only grow but may very well be happy.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Happiness!
In the last several months it seems the shelves of the local bookstores are full of books on happiness. Many titles promise to teach us how, and where to find happiness.
What does that word mean to you? What are your thoughts and feelings when you hear that word?
Is it "warm and fuzzy" feelings? Visions of blue sky? Fields of daisies? Lot's of money? Lots of sex?
It seems that we all have a different idea of what happiness is, everyone is searching and few can say they are "happy"
I have heard people say it doesn't exist, that we create our own happiness... and I guess everyone will have an opinion and or a thought.
Well, what makes you happy?
We can look at the basics.
1. Health. If you are in poor health, can you really do anything? What is good health?
2. Shelter. You need shelter from the elements. You need to be safe.
3. Food. We all need to eat to stay alive.
4. Family and friends. We are social animals.
Now, in our search for happiness...............
1. Health. We can have some diagnosis here or there. But as long as we take care of ourselves we are OK. It should not define us.
2. Shelter. How much square footage do we need? Do we need the bigger house?
3. Food. We can have food from the different food groups. We don't need to eat at the fanciest restaurants as long as we eat nutritionally.
4. Friends and family. Good, healthy relationships with "real" people. It doesn't matter what they drive, how much they make a year. It's who they are as people.
Guess where you find happiness? In your self. You make decisions in your thinking. You can talk yourself into being happy and you can also talk yourself into being unhappy. It is up to you. Read the books if you like but, you have to do the work for yourself. We all have an internal dialogue with ourselves. We can either choose happiness or unhappiness.
What does that word mean to you? What are your thoughts and feelings when you hear that word?
Is it "warm and fuzzy" feelings? Visions of blue sky? Fields of daisies? Lot's of money? Lots of sex?
It seems that we all have a different idea of what happiness is, everyone is searching and few can say they are "happy"
I have heard people say it doesn't exist, that we create our own happiness... and I guess everyone will have an opinion and or a thought.
Well, what makes you happy?
We can look at the basics.
1. Health. If you are in poor health, can you really do anything? What is good health?
2. Shelter. You need shelter from the elements. You need to be safe.
3. Food. We all need to eat to stay alive.
4. Family and friends. We are social animals.
Now, in our search for happiness...............
1. Health. We can have some diagnosis here or there. But as long as we take care of ourselves we are OK. It should not define us.
2. Shelter. How much square footage do we need? Do we need the bigger house?
3. Food. We can have food from the different food groups. We don't need to eat at the fanciest restaurants as long as we eat nutritionally.
4. Friends and family. Good, healthy relationships with "real" people. It doesn't matter what they drive, how much they make a year. It's who they are as people.
Guess where you find happiness? In your self. You make decisions in your thinking. You can talk yourself into being happy and you can also talk yourself into being unhappy. It is up to you. Read the books if you like but, you have to do the work for yourself. We all have an internal dialogue with ourselves. We can either choose happiness or unhappiness.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Self Help Books
Many of my clients ask me about books they can read. Some have read numerous books, some have never and ask for titles.
I am an avid reader, primarily fiction. I have read many psychology books as part of my training obviously.
However, I believe we have to be cautious regarding self help books. First, a topic that is written about extensively is dating. My goodness, if those books were so great, everyone would be in a relationship and/or married. There are very good books to read and there are bad books to read. Well, not "bad" but books that list rules for dating. Like, where are the theories and studies to back this up. I will say, and this is partly true and partly a joke. If you happen to be a neurotic person, well be it, and let that date get a dose of who you are. Sure, there may not be a second date but once your neurosis came out in full swing, they would be out the door anyway. And, guess what? As you continue to date, a neurosis loving date may appear and you have met your soul mate. Yes, I know, it is not necessarily that easy, but the point in this is, be yourself. Honor thyself. I am not saying don't read the books but don't forget who you are.
Obviously, if you feel you are neurotic and not happy about it, well then, you may want to seek professional counseling to balance the neurosis and make appropriate changes.
What I do recommend is to look for books written by mental health professionals. You also may want to look at their credentials. Some writers say they have a doctorate degree but when you look it up, it is not even in psychology.
I guess my point is, buyer beware and don't act like anyone tells you to in a book. Be yourself.
I am an avid reader, primarily fiction. I have read many psychology books as part of my training obviously.
However, I believe we have to be cautious regarding self help books. First, a topic that is written about extensively is dating. My goodness, if those books were so great, everyone would be in a relationship and/or married. There are very good books to read and there are bad books to read. Well, not "bad" but books that list rules for dating. Like, where are the theories and studies to back this up. I will say, and this is partly true and partly a joke. If you happen to be a neurotic person, well be it, and let that date get a dose of who you are. Sure, there may not be a second date but once your neurosis came out in full swing, they would be out the door anyway. And, guess what? As you continue to date, a neurosis loving date may appear and you have met your soul mate. Yes, I know, it is not necessarily that easy, but the point in this is, be yourself. Honor thyself. I am not saying don't read the books but don't forget who you are.
Obviously, if you feel you are neurotic and not happy about it, well then, you may want to seek professional counseling to balance the neurosis and make appropriate changes.
What I do recommend is to look for books written by mental health professionals. You also may want to look at their credentials. Some writers say they have a doctorate degree but when you look it up, it is not even in psychology.
I guess my point is, buyer beware and don't act like anyone tells you to in a book. Be yourself.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Valentine's, another of those "holidays" that half the people say they hate and the other half can not get enough of. It is another day that merchants prepare for and the airways are full of commercials for. "For the one you love.........." It is time for that huge diamond, huge flower arrangement. Key word, huge.
Now, there are many single people out there and I want to dedicate this to them.
Those with any kind of "significant other" make sure you give each other something.
Oh, and by no means am I saying, the "huge" anything. A meal, time together, a thought or a rose is fine.
Now, back to singles. I want to add that Valentine's Day is a day of friendship. I actually spoke with a teenager recently that agreed with another friend ( both are girls) to be each other's Valentines. No, it is not sexual, it is in the spirit of friendship.
Now, singles, don't forget yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, a pedicure/manicure is nice, maybe in vivid red,unless you are male and want to go more conservative, then do clear or buff.
Take a class, do something for yourself and of course, do not forget your friends.
Send greetings to all on your social network sites, give co workers candy or bring in something with that theme.
Valentine's Day is a day of friendship,a day to acknowledge friends, relatives and all those that are around to give us warm and fuzzies through out the year.
Enjoy!
Now, there are many single people out there and I want to dedicate this to them.
Those with any kind of "significant other" make sure you give each other something.
Oh, and by no means am I saying, the "huge" anything. A meal, time together, a thought or a rose is fine.
Now, back to singles. I want to add that Valentine's Day is a day of friendship. I actually spoke with a teenager recently that agreed with another friend ( both are girls) to be each other's Valentines. No, it is not sexual, it is in the spirit of friendship.
Now, singles, don't forget yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, a pedicure/manicure is nice, maybe in vivid red,unless you are male and want to go more conservative, then do clear or buff.
Take a class, do something for yourself and of course, do not forget your friends.
Send greetings to all on your social network sites, give co workers candy or bring in something with that theme.
Valentine's Day is a day of friendship,a day to acknowledge friends, relatives and all those that are around to give us warm and fuzzies through out the year.
Enjoy!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Time flies?!
Well, it's the middle of the month in the new year and new decade. Some folks made New Years resolutions and reality just hit. We are back to the routine of daily life!
Work, kids, traffic, bills.......
Gyms have been packed with well intended folks.
Now, if on day 2, 3, 15 you felt a relapse into old behaviors, do not give up!
Pick yourself up and get back on track. Many times New Year's resolutions are unrealistic and apparent failure is imminent. Apparent failure is not failure, it is a learning experience. Perhaps the plan was not realistic, and you may want to start slower, at a smaller level. Guess what? That is Okay!
Starting small and with slow progress is good. The focus needs to be on being consistent. Baby steps until you reach your goal.
If you are not where you wanted to be with your resolution? It's Okay. Start again. You actually have less pressure now that we are in the middle of January.
Go for it!
Work, kids, traffic, bills.......
Gyms have been packed with well intended folks.
Now, if on day 2, 3, 15 you felt a relapse into old behaviors, do not give up!
Pick yourself up and get back on track. Many times New Year's resolutions are unrealistic and apparent failure is imminent. Apparent failure is not failure, it is a learning experience. Perhaps the plan was not realistic, and you may want to start slower, at a smaller level. Guess what? That is Okay!
Starting small and with slow progress is good. The focus needs to be on being consistent. Baby steps until you reach your goal.
If you are not where you wanted to be with your resolution? It's Okay. Start again. You actually have less pressure now that we are in the middle of January.
Go for it!
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