Happy New Year 2014

Oh, the pressure. Last day of the year. If you listen to radio, TV or open Facebook, there is mention that tomorrow you start with a clean slate. Oh, the pressure for perfection, for change , for happiness. Don't let all the hoopla get to you. You may decide you want to make changes, you may want a new job, to work out, what ever it is. Think about this, and and truly see if this is the best time for change. If you decide to , then be kind to yourself, change will take time and you will fail. But that failure should not be the end but just a stepping stone toward your goal. Don't buy into the pressure. Know that change takes time. Allow yourself to fail but return. Maybe just focus on what you think should change. Take baby steps. Again, change takes time. Be reasonable. Happy New year and be safe! Happy 2014.

Free Speech

Maybe because before I became a therapist, I acquired an undergraduate degree in political science, I find that this country has a poor understanding of Free Speech. Last incident I am aware of is what those Duck Dynasty characters said about homosexuality. This is just the recent of many nasty ccomments made about other's race, sexual orientatation, etc. Our forefathers never intended for Americans to stand in a street corner or the exquivalnet, today's internet, and shoot off negative comments to other Americans. I clearly remember when I studied constitutional law, that there ARE limits to free speech. Free speech is not the same as diarhea of the mouth. There are limits as in "responsibilities" such as you do not yell "FIRE" in a crowded movie theather just because... It is obvious that this country needs a lesson in civics. Perhaps we need to turn off reality tv and read government and history books. There is a huge "brain drain" in the making in this country.

What do men want? What do women want?

I have written previously about self-help books so you all know how I feel about that. I hear people ask, what do men want? What do women want? Well, people, it aint that simple, yet it's very simple indeed. It's not what "men want" it's not what "women want", it's what the person that is right for you wants and what YOU want. Every relationship is different and infact a "mystery". In a nutshell, we all seek partners that meet our needs. If we have issues, if we are accustomed to dsyfunction, we may be more comfortable with dsyfunction that we are willing to admit so we may find ourselves in dsyfunctional relationships with out really wanting to. This applies to both men and women. First thing I tell people is "get a life" Who are you? What are your interests, desires,life goals? Find out and live. Once you have established your life, your identity, have made friends, you are in a better position to blend and mesh your life with the "right" partner. No one is perfect and you are not perfect. It doesn't matter how many days you go to Church, confession, therapy, You are not perfect. If you think you are , I suggest you quickly get off that kick. The key to success is being aware that neither you or your parnter are perfect but each respects the other. I say that you should feel that person " has your back". You should feel safe, understood and that what that person knows about you is not going to be used against you. I recommend you " learn who you are" , get a life, make friends, build community; put your heart in that. Really, put your heart into it, don't just volunteer at the homeless shelter because you want to meet someone nice. Grow and develop yourself and I am sure , in the community you build you will find suitable people and hopefully a date and eventually a life partner, spouse or whatever you are truly looking for. Build a life!

Happy Thanksgiving ????

After reading and hearing about what is going to happen this year during Thanksgiving Day, I am concerned and sad. Thanksgiving is the American holiday where families and friends get together to give thanks and/or eat Turkey and fixings together, and perhaps even watch football together. What is important about Thanksgiving is that families get together. The American family has been hit hard. Divorce rates are high, families do not share meals together, everyone seems to be running in one or another direction and no one spends quality time together. If all that was bad, we are losing our day to gather together and "regroup" as families and friends. Slowly, consumerism has snuck in, stores opened for a few hours here and there on Thanksgiving but this year the message is loud. Thanksgiving is in danger of dying. If you scroll your facebook page, you find a lot of messages about grace, about gratitude, perhaps we are starving for some meaning, for spirituality, a higher power? God? Yes, dare I say, GOD! I am sad by the reality that we can lose Thanksgiving, but I also have hope left. Hope that the people of American are not seduced by the sales at Walmart, Kmart and all the other stores planning to open at 6am on Thanksgiving. Oy, the thought! I am not an economist, a politician or a "numbers" person. Just a concerned therapist. I will let others discuss the financial value of having stores open at 6am on Thanksgiving. I will focus on what I see as the dangers, the losses I see. First, there will be mothers and fathers working, probably with out a choice, and not being home with their children for the holiday. No day to give or teach grace, family values and another day for children to get with the wrong crowd because there are no parents around. Not that the parents don't want to be there, but they are told they have to fill a shift at Walmart. No, mom and dad are not doctors and nurses helping the sick, they are minimum wage employees who have to lose a holiday with their child and their child be just like orphans. Sad. One of our political parties used to yell out and say there were "big" on family values. Really? What are they thinking now? About this, where are they? This is a major family and cultural value. If we continue to chase the almighty dollar we are doomed. This nation needs to look at what is really important. I am hopeful that the American people wake up and realize we have to take back Thanksgiving. We need our families, friends, communities; and not just the online, we need to talk and use our vocal cords, look at people. Let's take back Thanksgiving. There will be plenty of time to shop. I believe this year Hanukkah is also on Thanksgiving. No shopping please!!! Wait until 12 pm.... We still have power. Let the power of the people be strong, save Thanksgiving and then go hog wild shopping if you must.

Just unplug!

We all seem wired these days. We are walking around tense and looking for the latest craze to help us relax. Whether it be pills, contraptions or workouts. It seems we have forgotten the basics of stress management, and actually it "should" be intuitive. One thing almost everyone is carrying is a little contraption called the smartphone. It seems to be attached and to many it is a security blanket. What we don't want to realize is how stressful that little device is. I see people at the bank messing with theirs as they handle a banking transaction with another human. I see couples on their individual phones waiting for the food to arrive at restaurants, they quickly dine and return to their phones. Who or what is more important than the person you chose to dine with? Why are they/we doing that? It is not technology that is bad, it is the misuse of it. In my work I find that technology helps divorced parents keep in touch with their kids, as well as families who reside in different countries or states can share in each other's lives, but let's be smart about this. We should be "smarter" than our phones. We live a very "connected" and "plugged" world. We need to be able to unplug and just simply relax. Our brain needs a rest. We need to look up from our phones, laptops, and tablets and live in this world. A world of natural beauty. It wasn't planned when in 2009 I personally unplugged from television. I grew up with TV, I did my homework with the TV on and TV was my daily companion at the work place and home. I ultimately became tired of the "brain drain". The superficiality of it all. I felt there was more to life and one day turned it off. I later went on a budget where I felt if I did not use it, why pay for it. So, since I unplugged the TV, I read many more books, have had great conversations, bike ride for hours, cook, run and do duathlons and numerous other things. I have a great life and feel that I have grown in many areas.

Divorce Help

I feel like I am almost repeating myself, but I am not. Many months ago, or years actually, I wrote about the importance of looking at the credentials of Self-Help book authors and now I stretch that to blogs and Facebook. It's not that I have personally walked the walk but I have several years of divorce counseling. Divorce is pandemic and I work with it daily in most of my cases. Seems everyone is affected by divorce since it's rampant. Well, because of the work that I do, I am always coming across books, blogs and just general information about divorce. It almost seems that anyone now can have a blog or facebook page and speak as an expert. Please be careful, there are many books, movies, blogs written on a very superficial manner based on the writer's experience through divorce. They may be at any stage and may not have done the "work " or healed but they decide to write and make opinions and recommendations. I do not want to sound like a snob, that is not my intention. It does concern me that people can make comments based on what they lived or are living and believe it is like that for everyone. I have come across some blogs that I have found insentitive. I do blog and have a facebook page but I try to write as a professional who works with clients and also reads reseach and attends conferences. The blogs that bother me are the " I lived it" "so I know" It bothers me and you have to be careful, read about the author's credentials.

our worth, human worth, success

As I sit and contemplate my observations of how people act and treat each other, I ponder how we measure our worth, and others'. In religious communities the lesson is that we are all children of a higher power and we are loved for just the way we are. Oh, the warm and fuzzies are awesome. To be loved unconditionally. But, later we walk out to the "real" world. A world where materialism seems to be "king" and not too long ago you would see posters and bumper stickers with sayings such as " the one with the most toys wins". How do we measure success and what is success? Do we find Mother Theresa or Donal Trump to be more successful? Why? How do we define that? I have come across people in the world that feel that it is not very "smart" to get a Master or Doctorate degree in Liberal arts. Psychology? Why? English? Why? I remember my college years where it seemed everyone was in the Business program. I, a liberal arts student. The irony is that if your strengths are not in the areas necessary for "business" work, you may not get a job. I am a believer that we all have strengths and weakness. We need to accept that. We can't change that, we can try and maybe be less weak in certain areas but we need to accept how we are "programmed" find what is our calling by looking at our "gifts". We may be good at math but lousy at writing or the reverse is possible. We may have introvert qualilities or be an extrovert. We need to like ourselves, appreciate who we are. It may be beneficial to find others who are like us as a way to help us feel that we are "OK" and not alone. This world needs teachers, nurses, social workers, doctors. We also need waitors, chefs and just about every profession inorder to have a complete life. We need police officers, security guards and the list goes on. No job or profession is deaming or should be looked down upon. We all have strengths and callings. We have passions. As long as we work and take care of ourselves and our responsibities, I think we are OK. I know that I have met people that think my choice was not smart. Sometimes I actually doubt myself. Psychotherapy is not highly paid and when you look at graduate school education costs, I can't say that there is a "return on investment" but you know, that is if I am speaking on purely financial terms. In those moments of doubt, I seem to always have a client tell me how I have helped them. It is almost like God speaking through people, and letting me know, I am where I am supposed to be. Be proud of what you do, you are needed where you are. If you are not "happy" then look within what your strengths are and explore other options. All jobs serve an important purpose.

Dear Newly Divorced,

Dear newly divorced, You can't go back, you are divorced now. Take a breath and look forward. You will now embark on a new life. Whether you like it or not, you will. Just like when you were born, you were thrown into a new world. Embrace it! Start planting the seeds of your new life and be patient. Be careful of the seeds you choose, for you now can do what you thought you never could. Enjoy building your new life! When you plant seeds in the garden, you don't dig them up every day to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds; you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they're ready. -Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron ~(gail)~

You are more than just body parts.... you are a special.

I am not a followerer of "stars" but I will make this an exception. It's all over the news that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy. A woman considered so beautiful and considered so sexy by men and women, had her breasts removed. Not, only that, but her life partner and father of her children is still around. A man also considered sexy and "rich". Of all that they have done to help the world and less fortunate, this may be the most meaningful one. To think that men have abandoned their wives because they felt that the woman was not "sexy" enough. Men have been known to leave their longtime wives for younger women. They have abandoned their children as well. Men and women have believed they are "too good" to be with someone who does not present themselves in a "sexy" manner. Dating sites are full of women putting emphasis on their breasts. In short, we live in a superficial world where "looks" are emphasized.Some men have actually persuaded their wives and girlfriends against chemotherapy so that they don't lose their hair. I am touched by how the Pitt-Jolie partnership has gracefully handled Angelina's situation and decision. We are all human and no one is perfect, imperfection is part of perfection in my opinion. Once we meet someone and commit to them, we are commited to them and their soul. Not to their body parts and genitalia. In true committment, the better or worse part, the parts can go, but the love and comitment should be there until death takes it away from this earth. I applaud the Pitt-Jolies. Many they have many years of health and happiness.

Happy Mother's Day

This weekend is Mother's Day. Not everyone is a mother and not everyone has a mother. I invite everyone to celebrate the elder women in their lives. I have found that many people express sadness for the loss of their mothers and claim to hate the day. I think we need to bring positive energy into our lives and honor our lives. On Sunday, I will honor my mother and women that perhaps do not even have children but are our teachers, doctors and people that make our life special. They may have devoted their lives to a career, and perhaps were not meant to be biological but spiritual and adopted mothers of many. Remember, the secret to happiness is to value and celebrate what we have.

Handling evil

This nation was attacked by evil on Monday. Innocent people and an entire nation have been affected by senseless evil on Monday. Now, it is important to understand that evil is not an ethnic nation, a culture, a color, a religion and it is not owned by a particular entity. Once we learn who was behind this senseless act we must remember not to persecute, attack or in any way judge other members of whatever ethnic, or religious group this person may appear to belong to. Evil lives and is attached to whomever subscribes to it's beliefs. Not all people including family members of the suspect(s) are responsible for what this individual has done. Many times when the person responsible for such crimes/ evil as experienced on Monday are found , other individuals have been known to hurt businesses of people that have a similair ethnic group to the accused. This happens more frequently if they are a "foreigners". I believe that two wrongs have never made a right. We can not judge all people by the actions of a few.

Honey, I want to go out with my friends.

I find that many people have issues with their significant others going out with their friends. Seems like the thought is loaded with meaning, different meanings for different people. Socializing with same sex friends is totally appropriate yet many people have visions of inappropriate behaviors, lies and affairs. Going out with friends can be establishing book clubs, going golfing, joining a sports team and even an innocent "happy hour" after work to just hang out with work friends. Going out with friends does not have to be on "date night" but during the week or during the day on Saturday or Sunday which ever. Having a group of friends to bond with does not take away from the marital/love relationship. It is "guy" time and "gal" time. Trust and communication in good faith is vital in any relationship.