Cheating, Sex, and money

First I think it's important to define these three things. What is cheating? Many people believe that cheating is one's partner having sexual intercourse with another person behind their back. Well, the true meaning of cheating is, any time that you do something that you hide from your partner, on purpose, that is cheating. There is financial cheating. That is when you buy something, shoes, computers, TVs, and don't tell your partner how much you REALLY spent. Oh, and that secret account you have? That's financial cheating. Now, those private messages you send that special friend of the opposite sex? Yes, those things you tell them, about your feelings, about how you really feel. That's emotional cheating. It's not just getting naked and going hog wild in a hotel room with a person not your partner, for it to be cheating. Now, I have technically discussed cheating, sex and money. Martial sex is supposed to be sharing of your bodies and soul. It is said that sex is a special gift not to be used or abused inappropriately. When you have an affair, any affair, you are taking energy that you should be putting in your relationship and placing it somewhere else. No duh, you feel your marriage gets boring, your spouse is a nag, because you have essentially checked out. Now money, it's mostly men, but some women do it, they take money and give it to the lover. Now, you are in essence taking something you and your spouse have worked for , something of value, and giving it to someone else. You are not just stealing from your spouse, you are stealing from your marriage. In essences, kicking it and devaluing it. Some may say that " I worked for that money" "my spouse doesn't work" "my spouse doesn't make as much money as I" Well, marriage is an agreement and bond where two people focus on building a live together, a nest. It's no longer about "ME" it is about "we". I find that the divorce rate keeps rising because people have forgotten what marriage means. It's us not you or me. We seem to be living in very "selfish times" Everyone wants money, status and material items. People appear to be disposable. It's almost like people are seen and treated like objects. Marriage seems like, you buy a young, shiny spouse in your 20's, build something in your 30s, perhaps have children and buy a house. By 40, they want another shiny lover, and bigger house. They essentially kick what they built, destroy and start anew in their late 40s. As a therapist I am beginning to see the cycle renewing in the late 60s into 70s. More and more people are leaving their marriages later in life. Some for the second time and some are leaving after having been "forgiven" affairs in their past by the same spouse they are leaving now. All life is valuable. People are not objects and are not disposable. Let's try and keep our humanity. Build up others' marriages, don't encourage ugly mother in law jokes, or joke because a man prefers to stay home with his wife instead of going out drinking with the guys. Let's support human connections and love. People should not really be starting fresh at 40. Broke at 40 or 50 is not cool. Destroying what you built and/or leaving kids in a broken family is not cool. Let's start to build each other up. Peace.

Boundaries

It's important to be centered and to know where I am, where you are , how we can meet and both maintain ourselves even if we join our lives with someone. It seems that more and more people feel a need to "push the envelope" just take it all a little farther. Seems people are never satisfied with what they have. This, I see, in many areas. They have a house they feel they have to go larger, car, they need a new one, married for twenty years, they want spice, perhaps a younger lover. Perhaps all this behavior has always been present but with social media the whole world knows your business. Why? because you placed it there for all to see. Everyone wants to be cool and push further. Skimpy dressed wives, bedroom shots, countless bottles of alcohol, there is a lot people are putting out there. The part that is troubling is that potential universities, employers and others are looking, taking note and making opinions. Sadly, once you post something it's there and even if you delete it someone may have just copied it. You go out and drink and post pictures of you and your friends drunk, well what if you get into an accident? a crash? you have just provided the world evidence that you were probably drunk. Even if the accident was when you were sober, you have been known to drink excessively so there is that evidence that you CAN drink excessively on occasion. My mother has an old Cuban saying " cria fama y acuestate a dormir" ( create fame, a reputation, and go asleep) It's like marketing 101, put the information out, put video, pictures of any behavior and you will be judged. It's not me that is trying to be the moral police here, it's that it's a reality. Besides, why are you doing what you are doing for the camera? What are your needs? What is a topless picture of you or a somewhat topless picture of you doing for you? Who is it for? Is it for an ex lover, ex wife? What do you need to prove and why? If you know you are super cool you really don't have to publish it on social media because everyone already knows. The sad thing is that some "so called friends" will like your pictures and encourage your debacle, they think it's funny and they will laugh at you, not with you. In my experience as a therapist I have seen people who have pushed and pushed until they just crash and burn. There have to be boundaries and some personal rules of conduct. How far can you go? Sadly, many go until they crash and burn. If you are unhappy and unfulfilled talk to someone. A neutral party who will be honest with you. Don't allow others to use your vulnerability and pain for their fulfillment. Be brave and seek professional help before you crash and burn. Crashing and burning get's you admitted to hospitals, in jail and can be way more expensive than seeking outpatient counseling. Peace be with you.

Hope

I was going to write today about all the shootings and deaths at the hands of those that are supposed to protect us and keep us safe. It is in the news and several states have or have had protests because of deaths in their state. Then I realized that I can surely connect that with this holiday season. Yes, holiday, I am including Hanukkah , Christmas, and all holidays here. We, in the US, live among peoples of all races, religions and creeds. As troubling as it is hearing about all the deaths at the hands of police officers, we can not lose hope. How does hope come, where is the hope? Well, in all the pictures of people who care enough to post their thoughts on Facebook, in all the non violent demonstrations. Yes, we have all been exposed to the violent ones but many have not been violent and those people have cared enough to be heard that they care about other people. They have empathy. Locally, we recently were made aware of a 90 year old arrested for feeding the homeless in public. It seemed that there was a local ordinance prohibiting such behavior. This 90 year old man began a movement where, as I write this, it seems that his civil disobedience has in fact created change. Now, how do these things tie in with hope and the holidays? Holidays such as Christmas and also the coming year? In hope. As much as things look bleak, as much as it seems that people are heartless and not caring, we begin to see an outburst of hope, caring and empathy. Yes, one person can make a difference and yes, change for good is possible. As we get ready to bid farewell to 2014 there is room for good things to happen. Be an instrument of change yourself. One smile, one good dead can make a world of difference and you may not even be aware of it. We sometimes see people who look mean, nasty, or uncaring. Don't make it about you and assume that the person thinks they are better than you. Be more open minded, if you take the time to meet the person where they are at, you may find out they are waiting for medical results, that their family member is ill, that they are foreclosing on a house. You just never know. But don't ask, just be present for others. They don't have to tell you either. By establishing this new way of being you will connect with others in a different way. Also remember you may connect with others but not everyone. Just don't hold on to any ugliness because there is lots of good to be had. That one rotten potato does not rot the entire bag. Peace and Love!