Digesting Bill Cosby

So today Bill Cosby is  officially charged, one month before the statute of limitations expires. It has taken many women to come out and say, several times, that they were "raped" by this man.
Now, on so many levels this affects so many people.
Yes, the victims of course and my heart goes out to them and applaud them for their tenacity and strength.
A situation like this also affects the family, his wife. While many may not be sympathetic to Mrs. Cosby, she too is a victim. She has been married to this man for some 50 plus years and I can't imagine what  she is feeling or will feel if her husband is found guilty and sent to prison. She will definitely be in denial and probably is in denial. How can you internalize  that your husband of 50 years is not who you thought he was? Living with a person who, it turns out, you never truly knew is always difficult, but 50 years?!
I have had some heated conversations where people have become angry at me for saying things like this about Mrs. Cosby but she has to accept that, and wrap her mind around the new reality of who her husband is. Is she not also a victim? I have thought that perhaps those angry at me for feeling sad about Mrs. Cosby in fact are somewhat misogynist. Was it not Bill Cosby who allegedly hurt these women?  If I as a woman become angry and blame Mrs. Cosby, what am I really doing? Mr. Cosby is the one here who has done wrong. I am sure Mrs. Cosby has defended her husband. When you are married to someone , you marry because you love your husband and can't imagine them going off and drugging and raping women.
By acknowledging Mrs. Cosby's pain, I am not intending to minimize the primary victims, the women making the accusations. These allegations are very serious.
We are also victims. We yet again have been betrayed by a man we as Americans trusted. The Fat Albert of the 70s, the head of family in the 80s. Our desire to believe in wholesome has yet again been trampled. There are multiple layers of victims here. We shall see what happens now but yet again, we have been taught that there is a sinister side to people and don't we really know people? Today I am sad for the victims and what they have lived through while also proud of them to standing up. I am sad for Mrs. Cosby and the immediate family and friends and for all those that remember his "wholesome" television shows.

Happy New Year !! 2016

So we are headed toward a new year and the talk is about change and new year's resolutions. I probably say this every year because this issue does not change.
If you feel a need to make changes in your life and you feel January 1st is the best time, then do so. If you don't, that is OK as well.
Any change is difficult and there are bumps in the road. What I see as an issue are the expectations created for the new year and the ultimate frustration that ultimately happens.
Now, whatever your goal is for next year go in with the understanding that you will lapse and you will make mistakes and that is OK too.
Change will come even though it may not look the way that you initially expect it to look, and that is OK too.
I guess the essence of what I am saying is to be kind to yourself as you work on your goals. You should have short and long term goals.
Diets are big for the new year but remember that diets are not the goal but lifestyle change is. You don't want to feed yourself salad for one week and be miserable all week. You may want to start by incorporating vegetables in your meals, eating healthier  and starting that way. You will break your streak of change and that is OK, just go back the next day.
You may also want to make a visual of your goals. Pictures from magazines, words or drawings that highlight where you want to be.
Just remember that you have 12 months and change will not happen immediately.
Be mindful of what you want, what you are doing, be real and present.
And yes, I used the work OK a lot because it's OK and you are OK. Love yourself as you are. It's a journey, not a destination and you want to enjoy the journey.
Peace and Love and thank you for reading my blog.

How Cool must you be?

I find that most people today have an incredible need  to be cool. First, I guess we must define cool. Cool and hot are words thrown around that in reality just describe temperature but something has happened to the current generation of adults. Seems like common sense, responsibility , empathy, sympathy and adult, mature type behavior is history. Now, it seems, no one wants to look or act their age. People save money, and take on extra jobs so they can pay for plastic surgery. Not only that, there are plastic surgery trends. A recent trend was " thigh gap" this is the need to have a certain amount of space between your thighs. These trends are for women, they seem to be part of the "war on women" but I will leave that for another blog. Some women even went to doctors to have procedures to create thigh gap. I have visions of odd bowleggedness when I describe thigh gap. Actually, there were commentaries about certain large retail stores that altered pictures in their circulars to create the thigh gap. Apparently one was so odd looking that the media had a field day with that one. Thigh gap is no longer the "in" thing, I read on social media a few weeks ago. Now it's " hip brow". I am not too sure  what this is but it has been defined , again on social media, as the crease that is created when the thigh meets the hip. Go figure, I still am not sure what that is.
These trends about focusing on how we look and surgically changing our look is only one aspect of how we are just not maturing.
In this quest to be cool where no one can actually measure cool since in some circles being uncool is too cool, people seem fearful. They seem fearful to act like themselves, to be free to say what they think and feel. For self expression. My goodness, I have just defined social control. Living in Miami everyone is afraid of communism since it is seen as oppressive but if we can not be ourselves for fear, does  it matter if the government is oppressing us or if we are oppressing ourselves. Sure, no one will say they oppress themselves, "society" does. But who is society? Society is you and me and the rest of the people around. 
This coolness factor is getting in the way of us living our lives. Why live in fear? Say what you want. Obviously, this does not mean to be disrespectful. But if you like curly hair and you have curly hair, let your curly hair be. The world may come and tell you, "you must Keratin." No, you don't have to. I know, I picked a somewhat shallow topic but it's a safe example of how we must be. I actually have curly hair and most people suggest I must have cancer causing treatments so that my hair is straight. I was actually born with straight hair and in later life it is curly. Guess I have lived both. I like  natural. We don't take a rose and make it an orchid, now why must I alter the way I look? No reason. 
I hope that after reading this you sit on it. This is not about my hair or thigh gap. This is about you giving yourself permission to be yourself. Some people will like you, some will love you, others will not like you and that is OK. In my  very first counseling theories class I remember the professor say , " You are not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like you; and that is OK."
So, start getting to know yourself and allow yourself to be. Be you, not the copy of someone else.

The rebound

I know, this may seem foolish to you but it is truly not. I learned yesterday that Kermit the frog is dating again. My last blog entry was on  how society and the media appear to encourage and normalize breakups. It is as if relationships are not meant to last. You know there is a problem when cartoon characters are separating and divorcing. Now, really, why?
So Kermit is dating Denise. Denise looks very similar to Miss Piggy except for Miss Piggy's diva flavor. It is very obvious that Kermit is on a rebound since he is dating someone that looks just like Miss Piggy. As a professional who focuses on  relationships and divorce, a separation/divorce is akin to death. In essence it is the death of a relationship and there needs to be healing. 
So, the powers that are manipulating this Kermit / Miss Piggy separation are now manipulating and creating a situation that is encouraging more dysfunction. It is believed that depending on the length of a relationship, there needs to be sometime for healing which truly has no time limit but should be at least one year and more if the relationship was a long time relationship. In short, Kermit has no business dating right now. Also, the fact that Denise looks just like Miss Piggy proves it.
Yes, I know that I am carrying on about two puppets but since they are available for discussion then I use them to highlight dysfunctional behavior after divorce. I still have issues with that fact that the powers that be in the media are encouraging divorce and the break up of relationships. I truly find that problematic. Again part of  the "throw it away and get a new one." It does feed a capitalist society since people starting new lives will need to buy many things and utilize professional services every time they start new but that comes with a human price. The price of pain and suffering and not just for the people breaking up but for the extended family, the children and even pets. Again, I urge everyone to be mindful of the messages that the media is sending us. We have the power to reject these ideas and not buy products associated with this dysfunction. It may be silly but if you start looking at this deeper is starts becoming morose; not cute or funny. It well known that rebound relationships don't last and why involve Denise in this situation? Both Kermit and Denise are going to end up hurt. Kermit is not ready to date yet.

The glorification of divorce and breakups

It seems every time I go online some celebrity is getting divorced. It  saddens me because it seems that no one remains married for long in our current society. Recently it was rumored that Homer and  Marge Simpson were  getting divorced, Ken and Barbie had some split a few years ago and yesterday evening Hermit and Missy Piggy announced a breakup. This came on the same week as various long term Hollywood couples announced their divorce.
I work with high conflict divorce as well as couples at various stages of divorce. Daily I witness the damage done to people by their parents' divorce as well as their own divorce. Divorce is traumatic. It is a death, and there is a grieving process associated with it.
What I don't understand is the need to divorce cartoon characters? I am wondering if Mickey and Minnie are OK.
We are society. We need to wake up to the fact that if we don't work harder at helping our friends remain together, learn to talk to each other and not condone frivolous divorces and separations we are slowly destroying our selves. There is money to be made in divorce and it feeds our capitalist roots. The buying and selling of homes, home goods, dating sites, and professional fees. But it is also a destructive force. I have been a therapist for 25 years. During my training I worked at starting groups for children whose parents were getting divorced. It now seems most kids are products of divorced families and the groups may have to be for children who live with their biological parents. Yes, I am being somewhat facetious but I see parents who remain together having a difficult time since most kids are now learning to effectively manipulate their divorced parents and many times have liberties and act out in ways children living with functional parents can not get away with.
I see a pattern where parents divorce, hit the online dating sites and become teens again. The children of these parents are lost and usually find trouble.
While there is a place for divorce in cases of abuse and other dysfunction , we have a problem when the majority, over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. We have a bigger problem when family cartoons get divorced or separated. And for what? The perpetual " I am not happy" "He/She doesn't make me happy" Well, guess what? Your partner is not meant to make you "happy" they are not circus entertainers.
At some point we need to work on building and not destroying families. Healthy families are the foundation for the rearing of healthy children who grow up to be healthy adults. We must speak out if only with our wallets, and not support the message that after a while you leave your spouse and that is normal.
By no means are we to discriminate against the divorced but me must not encourage it. It's like getting a limb amputated, we first go to wound care and attempt to avoid the amputation.

Discussing the Duggers

I am very troubled by the information coming out on the Duggers. The information I have gathered is that a son inappropriately touched ( touched breasts ) of a female sibling(s) while she, or they slept ,and apparently nothing was done. There are reports that say that the son is viewed as a "victim" by the girls and the family. I have this information but I can not say any of it is true. What I find troubling is that there is a right and wrong way to handle these matters. First, any inappropriate touching of a sexual nature between kids is not to be ignored. Yes, young children may be curious between each other but the line is crossed if either child feels uncomfortable or if there is an age difference. Mr. Dugger being 15 years old and touching the breasts of a 5 year old is sexual molestation. Children that demonstrate sexual acting out must be evaluated to make sure that they themselves have not been abused or are in a setting where they are witnessing sexuality inappropriate for their age, including exposure to pornography. Sex between siblings, touching of sexual organs is not appropriate. This has to be addressed. If there are any doubts, see a professional. A pediatrician, a therapist, someone who works with children. Not all issues require the immediate phoning of the police. If a child is in immediate danger yes, you call 911. If you are not sure the child is being harmed , in Florida you call 1-800-96-ABUSE. Department of Children and Families will investigate. One has to get help for the child. I find this Dugger family very disturbing. They are the classic dysfunctional family. Too busy judging others but they have major dysfunction in the core of their family. My concern also is how conservative media such as FOX interview the family. It scares me that incest and sexual abuse are minimized and thereby condoned as appropriate or "normal" in some way. My heart also goes out to all the women and men who are survivors of incest and abuse. Many of these men and women have had years of treatment and may continue to be in treatment in order to deal with the abuse. Children need to be protected. We are the eyes, ears and hands to help children grow up to be healthy adults.

Reality Wasteland....

I had a professor in college make a joke about auto racing. He commented that he figured that spectators went and watched waiting for a crash. He talked about how he failed to see the point in going if it wasn't to see a fiery crash. I think of this comment as I see what television has become. I guess people watch just to watch the scandals associated with the demise of the shows. Wait long enough and there will be a sex related scandal that gets them off the air. Honey Boo Boo's momma dropped her husband and decided to date an alleged ( or not so alleged) sex offender, The Kardashians have had too many scandals to mention and continue to air dirty laundry, the Dugger's apparent mirage of clean laundry is unraveling and there is some really nasty stuff. These are just a few of the many scandals including divorces, prison sentences and dysfunction associated with television today. Have you wondered why you are watching or perhaps have chosen not to watch these so called reality shows? What is the attraction? Is it a way to compare our lives to others and perhaps feel superior? Honey Boo Boo's show was really sad. An American family that required subtitles in their own country, the mother taking her young daughter to pageants and dressing her up and having her wear make up to parade around and attempt to win prizes. There is really very little , if any value to watching such dysfunction. What happened to reading, crafts , and an other activity that does not involve watching a family totally embarrass themselves on television or highlight a family that feels it is acceptable to breed their own community. Are the Duggers at 19 children? 20? Really? As reality television became more popular, and labor was cheap, there have been less professional actors involved in the craft of entertainment. It just doesn't seem healthy to me. There are many more productive things, in my opinion, than to watch these sad, pathetic shows. The human mind needs challenge and like any muscle needs to be exercised. Sitting and watching dysfunctional families have breakdowns is just not healthy. Grab a book, go outside, listen to music expand your mind before it's too late.

Get Off The Phone!

I was somewhat impacted yesterday as I was riding around town, I couldn't believe how many people were on their phones on a Sunday morning! As I looked at cars that passed, I saw beautiful children in their cars with a parent on their cell phone. I am not even going to discuss the safety concerns, I am just highlighting the sadness of this all. Why are they on their phones? It's Sunday. Is it social, is it work? Really? As these cars passed, I saw these beautiful children just staring out the windows with blank expressions. Again, what is so important and why can't it wait? I remember being a kid and riding with my parents in their car. It seemed like a time to talk. Maybe we have some how lost the ability to talk to humans that are actually in the same physical space with us. What I witnessed yesterday seemed like lost opportunities to begin bonding with children. I see it in stores too, the parent, up ahead on the phone grabbing things from the isles, as kids follow. Relationships with your children are not established when they become teenagers and you want them to do as you say. They start at the birth of the child. Teenagers have told me many times that they have nothing in common with their parents and have never really talked or done things together ,so why then? The teenage years are a time for the child to grow and begin his/her development as an adult, the time to bond with children is when they are young. Most parents have to work and time left for family, for a married/committed relationship, children, is precious. Be more mindful of opportunities that present themselves. A Sunday morning drive is an opportunity to become more mindful of your surroundings and work on developing a healthy relationship with your companion, even if it's your family dog. Aren't they cute when they see something they like or just looking at you with adoring eyes? It's time to wake up and realize we have to put the phone down and look around. This is also an issue at bagel shops and bakeries, just get off the phone and pay attention!

Forgiveness and Lying

Turn on media, be it TV, Facebook or radio and everyone has an opinion on the Brian Williams issue. Statements I have heard are "he is the only one being punished for lying about the Iraq war." I find this logic troubling. When dealing with Mr. Williams we have to focus on the type of position he has, on the ethical expectations and requirements of his position. At this time we are not dealing with an elected official or any other professional. I assume that professional journalists are not amused or take this lightly since this affects the entire profession. While Mr. Williams has lied I think it's important to address what led to him lying. There are, I am sure, underlining issues that were present and may still be present which caused him, and causes others to do what he did. I actually saw a clip of the interview and it's interesting to see how he just went on and on embellishing the story. Of interest is Mr. Williams obvious good looks and it will be interesting to see what happens. He truly does not fit the stereotypical liar prototype, whatever that is for most people. Most people have prejudices of what a liar or "bad" guy may look like and Mr. Williams' features and "looks" are not what most people typically think of as "bad"or "liar." I will guess that we will be hearing more as time passes and that this will affect the way people perceive journalism and the media in general. All issues of lying are to be taken seriously. It is not appropriate behavior especially for professionals in esteemed positions. We need to trust and we need to trust professionals, all professionals. If people believe that more people need to be given consequences for inappropriate behavior or actions during and about Iraq then they should start grassroots groups and work toward change. We can not just let someone lie and let it be okay. Regarding the future, we can forgive Mr. Williams but he needs to do some personal work to correct any personal issues that he may have which prompted him to lie. We need to help Mr. Williams confront his demons. It will ultimately help him and even make him a better journalist and human being.

It's Important to tell the truth

It goes with out saying that one should not lie, but people do. Why? There are actually numerous reasons but people lie, usually, to avoid consequence or punishment. It is truly destructive to any relationship when there are lies. One's first question is, what have they lied about before? Suddenly, everything they have done or said is looked at through a different filter. I am obviously talking about lies as in not telling the truth. What triggered my thinking is this issue about Brian Williams, the television anchor. He apparently lied about being in a helicopter in Iraq that was fired at and that needed to land. Why, oh why, did he do that? I do not know him and can not answer the question. For some reason he made the story up. Perhaps he needed attention? It's not clear. Now there are other lies. The lies of deception and cheating. These can occur in any partnership including romantic, marital and even business. For some reason, be it childhood traumas or others, people cheat, steal and ultimately hurt other people. For the "victim" it becomes very challenging to trust others and it's not uncommon to see them unable to form healthy relationships for several years if ever. As I have written before, no person is an island and we influence and affect others by our actions. Many times the "hurter" may have suffered a childhood trauma. Perhaps there was abandonment, or they may have witnessed the same actions done by one parent to the other. I see people cheat on their spouses through the life span. I have had senior citizens that have cheated and have "stolen" the couples life savings. I say stolen because these marital assets belong to both and one person decides to take it all and sometimes even disappear. There some people that even give their lovers money. Again, these people that act poorly have low self-esteem because do you really need to pay people to be with you? I will say that for the senior citizens there was prior cheating in most cases. Again, the lying needs to stop but in some cases it never does because lies are created to cover up the initial lies. I have met with people who just can't stop lying and the longer they do this the worse the consequences are. For many people, the fear of consequences is great and they fail to see that it is only making the situation worse. People who have noticed a pattern of lying need to look back and explore how they started. What was the pattern of communication at home? Were they punished severely for lying and then admitting it? Once you have explored the origin then you can start on changing the behavior. Thinking before you speak so that you give yourself time to not immediately just tell a lie. Lying is the worst poison you can use to totally ruin a reputation or a relationship. Lying is not acceptable and no good will come of it.

The offensive F word.

It seems that when you mention the topic of Feminism, it makes people uncomfortable and you are instantly judged. Feminism is misunderstood. Feminism is not about hating men or meant to demean men and elevate the role of women. Feminism is about equality. It is about equality for not just women but for the entire society. When you encourage women to be educated they add value to the family system and eventually to the society as a whole. Feminism has been around for many years and the writings in feminist theory date back to the 18th century. The movement did not start in the 1960s with bra burnings and goes beyond such behaviors. The 1960s , with the civil rights movement, is when we saw women perhaps be more vocal and as any group seeking emancipation some behaviors may appear controversial or extreme because that is necessary in order to create change. Feminism is diverse and there are several theories. No two feminist are truly the same but the common thread is equality and again, this equality is for all. It's for society. We are currently still fighting for ERA amendment. I remember being in Junior High and hearing the debates. It does take time for change to occur. Currently, we see some changes and men benefit too. In my psychotherapy practice I have seen changes that benefit men that society would never have tolerated in the past, for example, 50/50 time sharing. It is common now for divorced fathers to have the ability to live with their kids more time than the traditional every other weekend. As we emancipate women, we see men benefit as well. In two income families where both parties work outside the home and assuming they live within their means, if one partner looses their job, the other income is there and there is less stress on men who were at one point the sole bread winner for the family. It saddens me that more women don't understand and at times fight feminism. I can understand that men may initially do so, since you really can not expect a man to understand what it is like to live as a woman. If you go on social media and look at the different sites it can be frightening to someone who believes in equality. There are sites where women express why they "don't need feminism" not understanding what feminism truly means to them, to their families and to society. As a feminist, I do get the weird looks and the questions. But as a Feminist and a therapist I also work with men. I help men cope with loss, and rebuild their lives, just like I do with women. Being a feminist therapist does not mean that I side with the women. No, I explore the dynamic of the relationship and make sure that the dynamic is functional and healthy. Again, Feminists are not men haters, we are just people that want to work on equality. Now, if you happen to meet a woman who hates men, that is just a woman who hates men, not necessarily a feminist, or perhaps a feminist that happens to hate men. Feminism is about building a better society for all.